If you think people who say what they feel are weird, this is not the place for you At least for today.


I've got a few people I need in my life, but do they even need me, at all?

As if living in an entirely different environment isn't enough, it seems as if everything around me has changed. The way people look at me, the way they label me as the "normal bunch". Oh, you think I'm turning into a NSK, don't you? Sorry yes, I'm jealous of all of you. You get the good results, you guys've found good friends, you get everything and where am I? Nowhere.


I've changed. I'm not the nice, forgiving person anymore. I'm beginning to dislike social interaction, smiling seems like a chore sometimes. I hate myself for being so selfish, I hate myself for being so indifferent. I'm no longer sensitive or considerate, I know all my flaws and I'm frustated with myself for repeating the damned cycle everyday.


In school, I worry about what people think. Shut up, I'm in a place where everybody doesn't know a bloody thing about me, they're not used to who I am, I know people who gossip too much for their own good. I don't know if people call me "stuck-up" when I hold on to my pride, I know of people who talk behind my backs when they think I try to hard. Hey, I'm just trying and its for my own satisfaction, close your eyes if you don't want to see. So I gave up trying. Now people think I don't care. In return I get labelled as "the one with potential but doesn't give a damn". I wonder which one's better, "the screwed up attention seeker" or the former? I know I wouldn't be deemed that way in another school but what can I do?

What's the use of trying when it'll all remain the same anyway? So what if I do well in my school, nobody gives a damn. At the end of the 2 years, they'll be waving their slip with nothing else but As, and somebody'll probably tell me "oh, good job" or somewhere along the lines of that. Or maybe worse. People don't care if my school improves, that's why the bottom will always remain at the bottom and the elite will forever be right at the top. I don't think people care about anybody but themselves. I'm guilty of being like that nowadays. I hate that.

I want to break out of this stupid cycle, but my distracted mind won't allow me to do so. Distracted with what, I don't know. Seriously, I don't know. Ugh, I think I've really screwed my life with that O'level cert (which I haven't collected, by the way). You may say "NO EMMA, JUST TURN OVER A NEW LEAF IN JC, YOU CAN DO JUST AS WELL". Yeah, sure. Not with me in this current state. Knowing your mistakes but not being able to correct them sucks.


False pretense. The world's strange, you know. People despise hypocrites when they're one themselves. Yeah, I've realised the insignificance of it all, stop smiling when you don't want to. That's when I've unconsciously turned into an unfriendly freak. You can't call me a fake. I dare say I'm not a fake anymore. When I'm smiling, I'm happy. When I'm frowning, I'm not happy.Easy Peasy.

Everything around me is spinning now, I have acquaintences, not friends. People seem to find new friends and keep their old ones, while I'm merely taking up space in class and losing my old friends. Losing doesn't mean completely losing touch its just that...its different now. They don't need me at all, they don't. I'm not a loner in my new school but you guys are the ones I can really relate to, so please don't forget about me. Sorry for being so petty these days.




That's part of what's on my mind right now, but it won't be like that forever. Judge me, but not for long. To those who've seen my negative side, I'm sorry. I'll try to change, bit by bit. Sorry for this sudden outburst, too.

You all need your friends and family, I do too. But lately, I'm beginning to feel otherwise

Everything's setting in. Yay, life.